Reminders

I read this quote today....
“It isn’t the great big pleasures that count the most; it’s making a great deal out of the little ones.”
― Jean Webster

And it got me to thinking...what does that mean for me? After the past year, I find it hard to even recognize the big or the little ones. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop again. I can never seem to "relax" and just enjoy life anymore. It seems like my mind is always so negative now. I am always trying to look for the bad in a situation. And even when I tell myself don't, I still do. And I am worried I will never be able to turn it off now.

So I have spent this morning trying to think of some of the little pleasures to be happy about from this weekend. Here's what I have come up with so far...
Ordering Chinese take out with JW and just spending time with him yesterday snuggling.
JC being so excited to show us his new lego car that can be built three different ways.
NL giving me a really good "Good Night" hug (since teenage boys never give good hugs any more)

And while these may not necessarily be little things to make a big deal about, they are three good reminders that maybe it's all gonna be okay.

It's Been A While...

I know it's been quite a while since I posted anything on this but I guess I thought if I didn't post then things couldn't be so bad. Like if I didn't need the outlet of blogging then things were okay. Who did I think I was kidding??? Because even with out blogging the problems were/are still there. My aniexty is still here. My depression, my anger, my sadness, my hurt.

Its. All. Still. Here.

And it doesn't appear to leaving anytime soon.

Now yes, over the past serveral months things have gotten better overall, I guess, but then it all seems to just blow up in my face again. Whether its been my whatever causing the fights or the fact that I have caught more lies and deceptions by him.
It seems like we are on this vicious cycle of Fight, Fight, Calm Down, Act Like Nothing Happened, Try to be Happy.....and then it starts all over again.
And I know that there are several other factors that are weighing me down too but I can't vent those here...mainly because I am trying to keep from upsetting other family members. (Just in case they ever read this thing.) And while I try to vent to my best friend, C, about it all, I imagine she thinks I am a complete broken record. (God bless her for always being willing to put up with me and my tear streaked phone calls.)
I am just beginning to feel like I am beating a dead horse or something. I just want all of this to go away and for it to never had happened. I want to wake up and it to all of just been a really long and horrible bad dream. I am losing myself again and I just want to go back to normal. Whatever that even is.

It's been a year since all the problems started and even though the final blow wasn't until May of last year, All the trouble started in January last year. And all I can seem to do lately is re-hash my thoughts and think how could I have been so blind to not see what was going on? Why did it take me four more months to finally put it all together? And I just keep hating myself and hating him for hurting me and for not loving me enough and for it all. And while he says he's home and he loves me and only me...I just can't believe him. And I don't think I ever can. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again. He says it takes time but I am still so hurt beyond measure that I don't know long it would take.

So then I wonder what's the point? If I can't move on and let go, what's the point anymore? Doesn't that just mean it's over? And even scarier - I think he'd be totally okay if it was over. If we filed papers tomorrow, I think he would be just dandy and go on with his life like nothing had happened. Like the "Death" of our marriage was just...just...okay. I hate that I love him so much and that all this still hurts and feels so fresh. I wish I was a stronger woman. I feel pathetic. I feel sad. All I want it to feel like, okay, to know I will be okay and so will my family and my marriage. How do I get there?