Travel & Aniexty

So the past month has been this crazy limbo and while it seems things are slowly getting better, I am still very scared. Don't get me wrong - I believe whole-heartedly that we come out better, stronger, happier and more whole than ever, but I still get scared.
And my wonderful mother-in-law invited me to travel with her next week to Hawaii - she figured I could really use a break. And while I am excited to go (I have never been) I have all this anxiety.

1) I am terrified of flying - and on the way there I will be flying by myself.
2) I wish my husband was going with me (and I feel really guilty that he's not)
3) I worry that he will hate me for leaving him with the kids - even though I know he's looking forward to the quality time with them
4) And yes things seem to be on the road of progress but I am terrified that when I get back...

I feel like I live in a permanent state of Anxiety...to the point I wonder if I will even be able to have an enjoyable time in Hawaii.

I have been trying to be more positive than negative and for the most part I feel pretty sucessful in that...so I am just going to try and be completely positive and hope for the best. But this anxiety seems to be getting the best of me right now and it sucks.

Limbo

I have never been good at the Limbo. My body just doesn't bend like that. But for the past month my Life has been doing the Limbo and I hate it. I am tired of feeling so unstable. What I want is out there - it has been said and it's floating around the universe and I won't take it back because it's what I want. But I can't keep living in this Limbo state either. It's really starting to take a toll on me both mentally and physically. I never asked for any of this. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I feel like a complete failure. And I don't know how to change that. And it seems the longer this Limbo keeps going the more and more I feel like a failure. At what point do I say no more, this is it; either be in it or not. But I am scared that if I say that too soon I will have messed up my family even more. I am scared that if I speak up I will just push away what I want forever. So in this Limbo life I am going to keep trying to hold it all together, but I don't think I can last much longer.

Just Raw...

My emotions are just so raw right now. I have been trying to hide it and make like things are okay but I think it's only making it worse. And I really can't even explain what emotion I am feeling right now but I know that it hurts - physically. Like my chest just aches and it my whole body feels so heavy and sore. I have never been good with emotions - either I am too emotional or not at all (well at least trying to pretend). And right now I am some where in between. I have all these things I want to say and ask but I just can't because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of screwing it up more. But I didn't screw up in the first place. I am not saying that I am not with out any faults but this go around I was completely blindsided. I just want to go back to when things were really good and figure out how to keep them that way and just erase the last several months. I have to have faith and believe that things are going to be okay but some days that is just really hard. Today is definitely one of those days. I feel like I have been having an out of body experience or it's all just a really really bad dream. But it's not. And that just sucks. I think I need to take up boxing...or at least beat the shit out of a punching bag on a daily basis. Maybe that will help.

The 1st Post

So, I have decided to start a blog. Not because I think anyone really wants to hear about the daily chaos that is my life, but just to have an outlet. A place to get all (well almost all) the thoughts that sporadically run through my head on a daily basis. I am thinking it will be a great form of self-therapy and a sort of hobby.


Here's some info about me and my life - I am a thirty year old, mother of two boys, NL is 12 (almost 13) and JC is 5 (almost 6), married (but slightly seperated at the moment) and we have a cat. I work full time at flooring retailer/installer as the office manager and I have the best bosses in the world. When I'm not at work, I'm either running some sort of errand or shuffling the boys between school and sports or volunteering to do something for the boys' school. Most weeks I run myself ragged but for the most part I love my life. We have a house that we are currently trying to renovate the floors and the guest bathroom (thank goodness for my job!) so that we can turn it into a rental and move to closer to the Loop. Oh, by the way we live in the wonderful city of Houston in the great state of Texas. Although I made my way here from Mobile, Alabama with my mom some 16yrs ago.


My Husband, JW and I have been together for 11 yrs now and married 4. We have recently hit a big rough patch in the road of Life but are working to get through it and hopefully we will come out an even stronger and happier married couple on the other side. I have to believe that my marriage will work. I love my husband so very much (and I know he loves me too) and I refuse to walk away with out doing everything I can to try and make it work. Because I don't want to ever look back and think - Is there something more I could have done. But I am learning to take it day by day, have faith and just breathe.


So this blog is hopefully going to be my new outlet to help me "breathe" with all the things that life brings me.


Goodnight for now.


NTH