It's beginning to feel like Fall

Once again, it has been quite a while since I posted anything. And it's not because there wasn't things to post, it's because there were so many things going on I just didn't have time. And while that may be a bit of a cop out (honestly, I am sure I could have played a few games less on the Kindle Fire) we have been pretty busy. I actually said to some one last week, "I can't remember when I didn't have to schedule in my Fun Times on the family calendar." Life has been flying by so much faster as the boys get older. NL is 14 and a full on teenager with mood swings, girlfriends, and even some acne (though not bad at all). JC is 7 and mimicking his older brother so much it's about to drive me insane. Mostly because he has the attitude of his 14 yr old brother instead of the sweetness of a 7 yr boy. JW has been busy with work and Brew Club. I have been busy with work, and volunteering/chairing things at the school and becoming more involved with the Brew Club too.  I have been building new relationships through the club and really loving it.

Things still have a lot of ups and downs but more ups than downs lately. I still don't trust him very much. But maybe just a bit now. I still have a lot of hurt and anger but it has started to subside some. I am not sure if it's actually healing though. But I am still trying to take note of the small things and find the good in it all.

The weather here is finally starting to feel like fall weather, which is my FAVORITE season. So I think that is helping me in my happiness right now. I just hope it will last for a bit and actually seem like we have a season instead of just a few weeks of nice weather before the cold/rain of winter comes. (Unless in typical TX fashion we don't even get a cold wintertime...LOL) But for now I will just enjoy it while I can.  And in typical JC fashion he told my mother in law on Saturday, at the grocery store while in the produce section that "We all need to go someplace warmer, like Indonesia." She laughed and said that my be too warm of a place to go.

And while I am trying to keep with remembering the small things...here are the many highlights from the weekend.
Friday evening I got to spend some much needed girl time with the Ladies of the Brew Club.
Saturday was baseball and I just love watching JC play (even when he strikes out) and then Saturday evening I got to spend some even MUCH MORE needed girl time with my best friend, C. And then we had some friends little girls spend the night (JW and NL were the babysitters for a change!) so Sunday was filled with lots of cuteness and fun and playing, as well as some explosions of PINK that my house is not used to at all! I really love little girls BUT I am still so glad we only have boys! LOL.  Sunday evening was spent making homemade baked potato soup along side JW making homemade chili. And then the best part of it was JC snuggling with me on the couch before bedtime and saying, "I love you so much, Mommy." And then falling asleep next to me right after.

I must say today life is good.

Reminders

I read this quote today....
“It isn’t the great big pleasures that count the most; it’s making a great deal out of the little ones.”
― Jean Webster

And it got me to thinking...what does that mean for me? After the past year, I find it hard to even recognize the big or the little ones. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop again. I can never seem to "relax" and just enjoy life anymore. It seems like my mind is always so negative now. I am always trying to look for the bad in a situation. And even when I tell myself don't, I still do. And I am worried I will never be able to turn it off now.

So I have spent this morning trying to think of some of the little pleasures to be happy about from this weekend. Here's what I have come up with so far...
Ordering Chinese take out with JW and just spending time with him yesterday snuggling.
JC being so excited to show us his new lego car that can be built three different ways.
NL giving me a really good "Good Night" hug (since teenage boys never give good hugs any more)

And while these may not necessarily be little things to make a big deal about, they are three good reminders that maybe it's all gonna be okay.

It's Been A While...

I know it's been quite a while since I posted anything on this but I guess I thought if I didn't post then things couldn't be so bad. Like if I didn't need the outlet of blogging then things were okay. Who did I think I was kidding??? Because even with out blogging the problems were/are still there. My aniexty is still here. My depression, my anger, my sadness, my hurt.

Its. All. Still. Here.

And it doesn't appear to leaving anytime soon.

Now yes, over the past serveral months things have gotten better overall, I guess, but then it all seems to just blow up in my face again. Whether its been my whatever causing the fights or the fact that I have caught more lies and deceptions by him.
It seems like we are on this vicious cycle of Fight, Fight, Calm Down, Act Like Nothing Happened, Try to be Happy.....and then it starts all over again.
And I know that there are several other factors that are weighing me down too but I can't vent those here...mainly because I am trying to keep from upsetting other family members. (Just in case they ever read this thing.) And while I try to vent to my best friend, C, about it all, I imagine she thinks I am a complete broken record. (God bless her for always being willing to put up with me and my tear streaked phone calls.)
I am just beginning to feel like I am beating a dead horse or something. I just want all of this to go away and for it to never had happened. I want to wake up and it to all of just been a really long and horrible bad dream. I am losing myself again and I just want to go back to normal. Whatever that even is.

It's been a year since all the problems started and even though the final blow wasn't until May of last year, All the trouble started in January last year. And all I can seem to do lately is re-hash my thoughts and think how could I have been so blind to not see what was going on? Why did it take me four more months to finally put it all together? And I just keep hating myself and hating him for hurting me and for not loving me enough and for it all. And while he says he's home and he loves me and only me...I just can't believe him. And I don't think I ever can. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again. He says it takes time but I am still so hurt beyond measure that I don't know long it would take.

So then I wonder what's the point? If I can't move on and let go, what's the point anymore? Doesn't that just mean it's over? And even scarier - I think he'd be totally okay if it was over. If we filed papers tomorrow, I think he would be just dandy and go on with his life like nothing had happened. Like the "Death" of our marriage was just...just...okay. I hate that I love him so much and that all this still hurts and feels so fresh. I wish I was a stronger woman. I feel pathetic. I feel sad. All I want it to feel like, okay, to know I will be okay and so will my family and my marriage. How do I get there?

Travel & Aniexty

So the past month has been this crazy limbo and while it seems things are slowly getting better, I am still very scared. Don't get me wrong - I believe whole-heartedly that we come out better, stronger, happier and more whole than ever, but I still get scared.
And my wonderful mother-in-law invited me to travel with her next week to Hawaii - she figured I could really use a break. And while I am excited to go (I have never been) I have all this anxiety.

1) I am terrified of flying - and on the way there I will be flying by myself.
2) I wish my husband was going with me (and I feel really guilty that he's not)
3) I worry that he will hate me for leaving him with the kids - even though I know he's looking forward to the quality time with them
4) And yes things seem to be on the road of progress but I am terrified that when I get back...

I feel like I live in a permanent state of Anxiety...to the point I wonder if I will even be able to have an enjoyable time in Hawaii.

I have been trying to be more positive than negative and for the most part I feel pretty sucessful in that...so I am just going to try and be completely positive and hope for the best. But this anxiety seems to be getting the best of me right now and it sucks.

Limbo

I have never been good at the Limbo. My body just doesn't bend like that. But for the past month my Life has been doing the Limbo and I hate it. I am tired of feeling so unstable. What I want is out there - it has been said and it's floating around the universe and I won't take it back because it's what I want. But I can't keep living in this Limbo state either. It's really starting to take a toll on me both mentally and physically. I never asked for any of this. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I feel like a complete failure. And I don't know how to change that. And it seems the longer this Limbo keeps going the more and more I feel like a failure. At what point do I say no more, this is it; either be in it or not. But I am scared that if I say that too soon I will have messed up my family even more. I am scared that if I speak up I will just push away what I want forever. So in this Limbo life I am going to keep trying to hold it all together, but I don't think I can last much longer.

Just Raw...

My emotions are just so raw right now. I have been trying to hide it and make like things are okay but I think it's only making it worse. And I really can't even explain what emotion I am feeling right now but I know that it hurts - physically. Like my chest just aches and it my whole body feels so heavy and sore. I have never been good with emotions - either I am too emotional or not at all (well at least trying to pretend). And right now I am some where in between. I have all these things I want to say and ask but I just can't because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of screwing it up more. But I didn't screw up in the first place. I am not saying that I am not with out any faults but this go around I was completely blindsided. I just want to go back to when things were really good and figure out how to keep them that way and just erase the last several months. I have to have faith and believe that things are going to be okay but some days that is just really hard. Today is definitely one of those days. I feel like I have been having an out of body experience or it's all just a really really bad dream. But it's not. And that just sucks. I think I need to take up boxing...or at least beat the shit out of a punching bag on a daily basis. Maybe that will help.

The 1st Post

So, I have decided to start a blog. Not because I think anyone really wants to hear about the daily chaos that is my life, but just to have an outlet. A place to get all (well almost all) the thoughts that sporadically run through my head on a daily basis. I am thinking it will be a great form of self-therapy and a sort of hobby.


Here's some info about me and my life - I am a thirty year old, mother of two boys, NL is 12 (almost 13) and JC is 5 (almost 6), married (but slightly seperated at the moment) and we have a cat. I work full time at flooring retailer/installer as the office manager and I have the best bosses in the world. When I'm not at work, I'm either running some sort of errand or shuffling the boys between school and sports or volunteering to do something for the boys' school. Most weeks I run myself ragged but for the most part I love my life. We have a house that we are currently trying to renovate the floors and the guest bathroom (thank goodness for my job!) so that we can turn it into a rental and move to closer to the Loop. Oh, by the way we live in the wonderful city of Houston in the great state of Texas. Although I made my way here from Mobile, Alabama with my mom some 16yrs ago.


My Husband, JW and I have been together for 11 yrs now and married 4. We have recently hit a big rough patch in the road of Life but are working to get through it and hopefully we will come out an even stronger and happier married couple on the other side. I have to believe that my marriage will work. I love my husband so very much (and I know he loves me too) and I refuse to walk away with out doing everything I can to try and make it work. Because I don't want to ever look back and think - Is there something more I could have done. But I am learning to take it day by day, have faith and just breathe.


So this blog is hopefully going to be my new outlet to help me "breathe" with all the things that life brings me.


Goodnight for now.


NTH